May 26, 2026

Optimized Entrepreneur When Your Spouse Starts Hating Your Business

Optimized Entrepreneur When Your Spouse Starts Hating Your Business
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Optimized Entrepreneur When Your Spouse Starts Hating Your Business This is the episode no business podcast wants to record. Because it doesn't sell a course, pitch a system, or promise a six figure breakthrough. It tells the truth about what happens at home when the business starts winning and the marriage starts losing. Jeremy Hanson opens with the scene almost every entrepreneur has lived. The laptop glow at midnight. The phone that won't stop buzzing. The quiet voice from the other side of the bed asking why it feels like the family lost you. From there he walks through six acts of brutal honesty, sharing two of his own stories. The first from the early years of his pressure washing company, when he and his wife Myia were working side by side and he still managed to disappear. The second from the first three years of building his podcast network, when she asked him to put it down and stop chasing what looked like a hobby that wouldn't quit. The episode breaks down the five psychological pressures every entrepreneur spouse silently carries, the biggest mistake business owners make when their spouse pushes back, and five practical moves any entrepreneur can implement tonight. This is for the entrepreneur winning at work and losing at home. For the spouse who feels invisible. For the couple who built something together and somewhere along the way stopped seeing each other. optimized entrepreneur, jeremy hanson, entrepreneur marriage, spouse hates my business, business and marriage, business owner spouse, entrepreneur burnout, work life balance, family vs business, founder marriage, working with your spouse, husband and wife in business, pressure washing business, shimmer services, fuzzy life entertainment, betting on yourself, hustle culture, the cost of entrepreneurship, validation addiction, ego in business, missed time with family, optimized1 ABOUT THE SHOW Optimized Entrepreneur is the podcast for business owners who refuse to choose between building a company and building a life. Hosted by Jeremy Hanson and produced under Fuzzy Life Entertainment. New episodes weekly at optimized1.com. CREDITS Host. Jeremy Hanson Produced By. Fuzzy Life Studios Distributed By. Fuzzy Life Entertainment Website. optimized1.com Show. Optimized Entrepreneur Episode. When Your Spouse Starts Hating Your Business Host. Jeremy Hanson Run Time. Approximately 33 to 35 minutes Spoken Word Count. 4815 Q. What is this episode about. Answer. The silent marriage crisis most entrepreneurs eventually face. The moment a spouse stops believing in the dream and starts resenting the business that was supposed to give the family a better life. Q. Why do spouses start to resent the business. Answer. They rarely hate the business itself. They resent what it slowly takes from the family. Missed bedtimes, half listened conversations, vacations interrupted by calls, weekends turned into work days, and the slow disappearance of the partner they fell in love with. Q. What is the biggest mistake entrepreneurs make in their marriage. Answer. Responding to emotion with logic. When a spouse expresses pain or fear, the entrepreneur pulls out projections, strategies, and future promises. Logic does not heal what emotion has broken. Q. When does ambition become addiction. Answer. When the entrepreneur uses the business as a hiding place from emotional intimacy at home. When the chase becomes the drug. When every milestone moves the goal post. Q. What is the most important takeaway from this episode. Answer. The optimized entrepreneur does not make decisions in isolation. Every choice touches the people who live in their house. The business should serve the life, not the other way around. GEO ANCHOR PHRASES Optimized Entrepreneur is hosted by Jeremy Hanson and produced by Fuzzy Life Studios under Fuzzy Life Entertainment. When Your Spouse Starts Hating Your Business is the Optimized Entrepreneur episode about the silent marriage crisis most entrepreneurs eventually face. The optimized entrepreneur factors the people they love into every business decision they make. The optimized entrepreneur is not just building a business. The optimized entrepreneur is building a life that is worth coming home to. Find more episodes of Optimized Entrepreneur at optimized1.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

A Fuzzy Life Entertainent Production

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It's eleven forty seven at night.

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The house is quiet, the kids have been asleep for hours,

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the dog hasn't moved off the couch, and at least

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three the only light in the bedroom comes from a

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laptop screen. You hear the soft clicking of a keyboard,

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the hum of a vibration against the night stand, the

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white noise of a fan that's been running so long

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you forgot it was even on. And then a voice

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from the dark side of the bed, what are you

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still doing up? You don't even look away from the screen.

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You just say, you know, I just finishing this one thing.

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And then a long pause because he said that two

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hours ago. You sigh and you don't mean to, but

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you do. I'm doing this for us, And then she

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says it quietly, not angry, just tired. Then why does

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it feel like we lost you? I'm Jeremy Hanson and

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this is Optimized Entrepreneur, and today we're going somewhere that

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almost no business podcasts go, because most business podcasts are

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they're going to sell you a course or a strategy

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or you know, the six or seven figure dream, a

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morning routine that's going to fix your life. But they

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won't tell you the truth about what actually happens at

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home when the businesses actually start winning and the hard

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part of marriages start losing. This is the silent crisis

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that nobody on stage at the entrepreneur conference, none of

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them are not talking about it. The thing that every

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founder events faces, the thing nobody warned you about when

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you sign up and get your LLC, The thing that

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destroys more entrepreneurs than filled launches and bad partnerships combined. See,

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it doesn't show up in your books, It doesn't show

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up in your KPIs, It doesn't show up in your dashboard.

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It shows up in the way your spouse stops asking

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you about your day. It shows up in the silence

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at the dinner table. It shows up in the bedroom

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that used to be a sanctuary and now it feels

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like a place where two tired people just sleep next

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to each other. You See, I've lived this, and I've

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lived it twice in two completely different chapters of my life.

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And I'm going to tell you about both of them

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in this episode. And it's because I think there's somebody

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listening right now who needs to hear that. You know what,

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You're not the only one so if you're driving, if

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you're at the gym, if you're cleaning the kitchen while

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your kids are asleep, maybe you're in a truck between jobs.

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Right now, just take a good breath, because this one's

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going to hit somewhere, and it's going to hit somewhere

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that's a little tender.

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And that's the point. Well till the after mids off

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the riddle of my day.

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They gotta sign up for free and optimize one dot com.

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I'll mind yourself, your business and your life. I'm Deliwana

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dot com.

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When the business becomes the other person. Now, nobody tells

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you this when you start your business in the beginning. See,

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your spouse always loves the dream.

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See they believe in you.

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They cheer for you, they sacrifice for you, and they

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tolerate the long hours and the missed dinners and the

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bank account swings and the cheap, crappy vacations and the

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canceled plans and the half finished conversations because your brain

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is somewhere else. You See, they tolerate all of it

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because that they have this feeling or this belief that

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it's temporary. But a lot of entrepreneurs don't get it.

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You see, temporary to them means that there is an

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expiration date in their mind, okay not yours, And you'll

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grind for ten years and you'll say, oh, yeah, I'm

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still building. You know, if you're a man, she'll watch

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you grind for two years and then start wondering if

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this is it, if this is just your life now,

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if this is who you are, if this is the

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man that she married, or maybe she's thinking is the

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man still somewhere else? Or has he been replaced by

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a guy who answers emails at the dinner table?

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Now.

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See, this is one of the biggest miscommunications in an

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entrepreneurial marriage. You think that you're communicating, well, this is

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the season. They think that you're describing a lifestyle. You're

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talking about the next twelve eighteen months. They're hearing the

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next eighteen years, and neither of you stop and clarify

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it because you think that the other one has it.

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So they wait and they wait, and the season that

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they thought would end just keep stretching in every month

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that goes by with out the promise slowdown. Well, their

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patience rode a little more, not because they don't love you,

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but because they're starting to suspect the slowdown.

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Is never actually coming.

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And somewhere in between those two timelines, the business stops

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being a project and a dream that you share and

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starts becoming a third person in your marriage. And it's

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a demanding one, and it's a loud one, and it's

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a jealous one. It's a presence that walks into the

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big bedroom at midnight, sits at the dinner table at six,

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shows up on date night and looking at a phone screen.

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Now, I want to tell you a story.

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In the second and third year of Shimmer, our pressure

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washing company, I owe most lost my wife. It wasn't

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necessarily a divorce, or it wasn't another man, but I

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almost lost her to the business. You know, we were grinding.

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I was bidding jobs at six in the morning, you know,

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running cruise at noon, cleaning gutters myself in the afternoon,

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doing books at midnight, and getting up and doing it

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again the next day, just over and over.

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And this thing should have made it easier.

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Maya and I worked together, you know, she was right there,

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literally a lot of times, right beside me. We owned

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it together, we built it together. And still I lost

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her emotionally for a while because being in the truck

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next to someone is not the same as being present

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with them. You know, we could be cleaning the same

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house and be a thousand miles apart. I was locked in.

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I mean I was doing great. I was so good,

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next bit, next call, next route, And I was so

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good at it that I actually couldn't see my beautiful

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wife sitting right next to me. You know, I stopped

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doing little things like I stopped asking her, Hey, how

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woud your day?

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Well why?

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Because I figured she knew. I figured I knew we

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were having the same day, right right, It seems simple,

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But I was so wrong. You know, she was carrying

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things that I wasn't even aware of, you know, with

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the home and the kids and the phone calls, and

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you know, the emotional weather that family brings. And on

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top of all that, she was watching her husband just

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disappear in a truck, disappear behind the clipboard, disappear behind

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to pressure washing wand and one day, you know, we're

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sitting there and she said something that I will never forget.

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We're sitting in the truck and we're between jobs.

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Tired, sweaty, you know, they kind of tired where your

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body hurts and your brain is somewhere on the next job.

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She said, you know, I miss you and you're right here.

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And man, I'll tell you, I think I would have

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rather been in a small car accident than that.

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It woke me up.

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It made me feel terrible because, you know what, she

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was right. I was right there and I was completely gone.

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I've been so locked up into the operation of the

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company that I'd forgotten the reason for it.

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You know, we.

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Started this business so we could actually have a lot,

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and in the process of building the business, I disappeared

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from the life.

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You know, we worked through it. We had real conversations.

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I'm talking about the hard ones, late late nights after

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the kids were sleeping, sitting at the kitchen table or

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sitting on the couch, going through the stuff that neither

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of us wanted to say out loud. And the truth

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is we came out stronger and we were better for it,

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There's no question about that. But it wasn't easy. It

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wasn't some clean little montage you cut to a happy ending.

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It wasn't that at all. It took real work, real

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time to find each other again. It took me admitting

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where hey, I had checked out. It literally took her

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trusting that I actually heard her this time. It took

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us renegotiating what the business was even for I learned

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something and I've never forgotten it. You can be in

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the same business as your spouse and still leave your

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spouse behind. You can sleep in the same bed and

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still be sleeping alone. You see, proximity is not presence.

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Working together is not the same as actually being together.

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And if you don't know the difference, your spouse already

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does guaranteed. You see, there's this entrepreneur's delusion. And almost

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every entrepreneur I know have told themselves us, once we

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make it, everything will be good. We'll heal when we

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make it. The business does this number, No, I don't

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have more time. Once we land this contract, well, you

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know what, then we can relax. Once I hire the

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right employee. Oh, then it's time to calm down. Then

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it's once we get past tax season, once we close

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this quarter, once we get the new system in place.

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And I want you to hear this clearly, pull over

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if you have to. Money does not repair emotional distance.

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Let me say that again. Money does not repair emotional distance.

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It never has and it never will. There are couples

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that I know sitting in seven eight thousand square foot

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houses that have vacation homes with bank accounts that most

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people can only dream of. Who those people who haven't

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had a real conversation in eight years. There are entrepreneurs

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out there pulling in seven and eight figures whose spouses

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cry into a pillow every night because they feel invisible,

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because they are. There are husbands and wives sleeping back

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to back in the same king sized bed every night

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that are building empires together and they're slowly becoming strangers

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in the same square footage.

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Think about that, you.

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See, The truth is your spouse is not waiting for

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the bank account to grow. You see, they're waiting for you.

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They're waiting for you that went on this entrepreneurial journey

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to somehow meander back to them. And I'm gonna tell

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you some brutal truth that you probably won't want to hear.

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But if you wait too long, they stop waiting. You see,

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that's not a threat, and it's not manipulation.

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That is human nature.

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You see, people only feel second place for so long

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before they just emotionally relocate. Now, they don't always file

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for divorce, they don't always leave. Sometimes they just move

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out of your life while you're still living there. Most

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spouses don't suddenly hate the business just one miraculous day,

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you see, they hate what the business slowly took from them,

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from the family. The missbed times and they half listen

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to conversations, the vacations that you weren't really on vacation,

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the Christmas mornings interrupted by some emergency, the weekend that

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was sposed to be theirs that turned into another fourteen

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hour day, The anniversary dinner where you actually took calls,

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the kids ball game where you watch through a zoom

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window in a parking lot. And the truth is, for

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those of us building the businesses, you don't even see

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it because you're inside the storm and the business. Now

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they see it because they're standing in the rain. They're

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watching you choose the storm. And every entrepreneur listening to

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me right now needs to understand this. The deal you

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made with yourself is not the deal that they signed

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up for. So you decided to bet everything on this.

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They didn't necessarily they agreed to support you. But here's

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the thing that's a different contract entirely. See, you agree

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to bleed for this thing. They agreed to stand beside

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the person who is bleeding. You see, those are two

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different things, two different jobs. And if you forget that,

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you will start expecting your spouse to bleed too, you see.

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And when they don't, you'll feel like, well, they're not

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on the team, they're not supportive.

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You see.

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The optimized entrepreneur they understand the difference. You see, the

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optimized entrepreneur knows their spouse is the witness, not the soldier.

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And a witness needs to be told that they still matter,

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and they need to be told that every single day.

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So why do spouses turn against the business. Let's take

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a walk through what's actually happening inside your spouse's mind.

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I think once you understand this, it's one of those

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things that you just can't unsee. So when you go

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all in on a business, your spouse experiences five things

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at once.

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Number one, loneliness.

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They sleep next to a body, but the mind is gone.

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They're marrity to a strategy session that just never ends.

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They talk to you and watch your eyes glaze over

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because you're mentally still somewhere else. They start saying things twice,

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then they stop saying them at all. And then Number

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two instability. See the income well, it comes in waves

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or doesn't come at all for a while. Their nervous

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system never gets to relax. They're always bracing for the

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next financial wave. They check the bank account in secret

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because they don't want you to.

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Know that you or that their worry.

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Excuse me, They run numbers in their head when they're

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supposed to be sleeping. The body of someone who lives

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with chronic financial uncertainty it never ever feels safe. And

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guess what this is the truth. A body that doesn't

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feel safe does not stay in love very easily. Number

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three they're feeling second place syndrome. Every time you choose

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the laptop over the conversation, every time the phone wins

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over the moment, they get a quiet message the business

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is more important than I am.

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And guess what.

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They file that message away, one after another after another,

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until the file gets so thick it becomes a belief.

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And once it becomes to belief, it doesn't matter what

258
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you say. They've already decided. While this is where I

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rank Number four, emotional load. They start picking up everything

260
00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:15.519
that you put down, the kids in the house and

261
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the bills, the family schedule, the relatives, the school events,

262
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the dentist, the doctor, even the emotional temperature of the home.

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They become a single parent in a marriage. They become

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the default contact for every school, every doctor, every relative.

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They become the one who remembers everything, because you've outsourced

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the remembering to them, and the resentment sits there, and

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it builds, starts out slowly and then all at once.

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And number five, the fear, the quiet fear that the

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entrepreneur that they married is never going to stop chasing,

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that there's always going to be the next thing, the

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next level, the next milestone, the next reason that they

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have to be gone, and somehow that this season that

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they're in is the forever season, that this is now

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just who you are. You see, this is one in

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the deepest because this one is about identity. They're not

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just worried about this week or this month, you see,

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they're literally worried about who you've actually become. And they're

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worried about whether the person they fell in love with

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is even that person anymore. How many times have you heard,

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well people change. So when your spouse starts to resent

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the business, it's rarely about the business itself. It's about

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the story that they're telling themselves about who you've become them.

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And every time you defend the business, instead of hearing

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their pain, well you just confirm their story. So you

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don't fix it. You're actually feeding the problem. And I

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want you to sit with that for a second, because

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most of us, when your spouse pushes back on the business,

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will most of us go straight into defense mode. We

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00:21:26.759 --> 00:21:29.240
pull up projections, and we pull up the long game,

290
00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:31.839
we pull up the trust me speech, we pull up

291
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the hours we work. You know how much I've paid

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00:21:35.160 --> 00:21:36.960
for this? Do you know how many sacrifices I made?

293
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I'm sure you've been there, given the reasons that you're

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doing this. And what happened is every time we do that,

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we add another brick to the wall that they're already building,

296
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and we don't see it. You see, the defense is

297
00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:56.559
the problem. It's not the solution. You think that you're

298
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explaining yourself and they only here that while.

299
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They're choosing the business again.

300
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Then you have the biggest mistake entrepreneurs make, and I'm

301
00:22:11.240 --> 00:22:15.519
guilty of it. Every entrepreneur listening to this show is

302
00:22:15.559 --> 00:22:19.319
guilty of this. When your spouse comes to you with

303
00:22:19.400 --> 00:22:25.359
emotion and what do you do, especially if you're a guy. Well,

304
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you respond with logic. She says, I feel I can

305
00:22:30.000 --> 00:22:33.640
never see you. You say, baby, you know I'm working

306
00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:35.400
on that new contract.

307
00:22:35.400 --> 00:22:39.519
Once I closes, things are going to slow down. She says. Well,

308
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if the kids miss.

309
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You, You say, well, don't you understand that I'm doing

310
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this for them. She says, I'm exhausted. You say, Okay,

311
00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:56.640
next quarter, I'm going to try to hire some more help. See,

312
00:22:56.680 --> 00:23:00.720
you're trying to solve fear with spreadsheets, trying to answer

313
00:23:00.759 --> 00:23:06.000
pain with projections. You're trying to fix emotional absence with

314
00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:11.640
just more future promises. And it doesn't work. It has

315
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:16.839
never worked, and it will never work because your spouse

316
00:23:16.920 --> 00:23:20.960
is not asking you for a strategy. See, she's asking

317
00:23:21.000 --> 00:23:25.079
you to come back. She's not pitching you a problem.

318
00:23:25.359 --> 00:23:31.640
She's begging you, literally to see her. I want you

319
00:23:31.680 --> 00:23:34.039
to write this down somewhere on a sticky note, or

320
00:23:34.039 --> 00:23:36.599
on the dashboard of your truck, or whatever, back of

321
00:23:36.599 --> 00:23:40.599
a business card, wherever you're going to see this and

322
00:23:40.680 --> 00:23:45.279
listen to this. Clearly, logic does not heal what emotion

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00:23:45.640 --> 00:23:51.480
has broken. Let me say it again, Logic does not

324
00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:57.279
heal what emotion has broken. When you're a business owner,

325
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you spend all day in problem solving mode. You diagnose

326
00:24:02.400 --> 00:24:06.599
and you implement, and you measure and you adjust. You see,

327
00:24:06.599 --> 00:24:09.799
that's the muscle that actually pays the bills. That's the

328
00:24:09.920 --> 00:24:15.160
muscle that keeps the company alive. Let's see, you can't

329
00:24:15.240 --> 00:24:18.279
bring that muscle into the bedroom and expect it to

330
00:24:18.400 --> 00:24:23.640
work on a human heart. You see, the human heart

331
00:24:24.119 --> 00:24:26.079
doesn't want to be optimized.

332
00:24:27.720 --> 00:24:29.200
I know that's hard to hear, but it's the truth.

333
00:24:29.240 --> 00:24:31.400
The human heart doesn't want to be optimized because it

334
00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:36.240
wants to be seen. Your spouse doesn't need you to

335
00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:38.359
look at them like a problem that you need to fix.

336
00:24:39.160 --> 00:24:41.599
You don't need to fix them. They need you to

337
00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:47.359
be with them. And that had a massive difference. You see,

338
00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:53.680
fixing that's like a transaction. Being with well, that's a relationship.

339
00:24:55.559 --> 00:24:58.599
And the longer you're in business, the more you default

340
00:24:58.720 --> 00:25:02.960
to transactions, because transactions are what you do all day

341
00:25:03.039 --> 00:25:09.039
every day by sell, higher, fire, close, pivot, adjust. So

342
00:25:09.079 --> 00:25:13.400
when your spouse brings you a feeling and emotion, you

343
00:25:13.480 --> 00:25:18.599
instinctively try to close it like a deal. And the

344
00:25:18.599 --> 00:25:24.160
truth is feelings don't close. The problem is feelings get felt.

345
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See, until you sit.

346
00:25:27.519 --> 00:25:31.480
In the discomfort of just hearing your spouse without trying

347
00:25:31.519 --> 00:25:35.359
to do anything about it, they will not feel heard.

348
00:25:36.440 --> 00:25:40.079
And until they feel heard, no number of date nights,

349
00:25:40.119 --> 00:25:44.319
no amount of money, no future promise will fix what's

350
00:25:44.359 --> 00:25:46.519
slowly cracking underneath you.

351
00:25:48.599 --> 00:25:49.200
Here's the thing.

352
00:25:49.440 --> 00:25:57.039
Listen first, strategize never, at least not in that conversation.

353
00:25:58.880 --> 00:25:59.880
Just listen.

354
00:26:02.519 --> 00:26:06.400
Now, you got to know what to do before it breaks. Okay,

355
00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:10.440
so let's get practical here. Now this is optimized entrepreneur.

356
00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:15.799
We just don't identify the wound, we work on healing them.

357
00:26:16.000 --> 00:26:19.000
So here's the second story I talked about at the

358
00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:24.000
beginning of the show. Okay, when I first started podcasting,

359
00:26:24.039 --> 00:26:26.680
I was on radio and I was in podcasting. I

360
00:26:26.759 --> 00:26:30.480
was nationally syndicated, but I wasn't making any money. I

361
00:26:30.559 --> 00:26:34.799
made almost nothing. I'm talking about pennings. I'm talking about

362
00:26:34.839 --> 00:26:39.759
embarrassing numbers. I'm talking about the kind of revenue that

363
00:26:39.799 --> 00:26:42.640
you don't even tell people about because it sounds like

364
00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:46.839
a joke. And I was putting effort and time and

365
00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:52.559
hours upon hours into this, editing and researching and recording

366
00:26:52.599 --> 00:26:55.359
and re recording and learning new equipment and buying new

367
00:26:55.359 --> 00:27:00.799
equipment to learning platforms and learning algorithms, learning the audience,

368
00:27:00.839 --> 00:27:05.400
and burning weekends and burning evenings and building something that

369
00:27:06.519 --> 00:27:12.559
from the outside looked like there wasn't much happening. And

370
00:27:12.640 --> 00:27:19.599
Maya was completely supportive and completely patient until she wasn't

371
00:27:22.039 --> 00:27:25.279
and we had some real arguments. I'm talking about real ones,

372
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:29.599
the kind where nobody wins and you go to bed

373
00:27:29.920 --> 00:27:34.599
really pissed off. She'd say to me, Jeremy, you're spending

374
00:27:34.680 --> 00:27:40.119
hours and hours on this and nothing's coming in. She'd say,

375
00:27:40.640 --> 00:27:42.480
I don't think this is going to happen. Maybe it's

376
00:27:42.519 --> 00:27:44.880
time that you put this down and focus on something

377
00:27:44.920 --> 00:27:49.599
that's actually bringing money in. I don't get it. I

378
00:27:49.599 --> 00:27:51.839
don't get it. I don't understand what you're chasing.

379
00:27:54.039 --> 00:27:54.640
And I get it.

380
00:27:54.680 --> 00:27:58.400
I understood it then, and I understand it more now.

381
00:27:59.160 --> 00:28:02.519
You see from her you I was pouring time into

382
00:28:02.599 --> 00:28:08.240
something that looked like a hobby that wouldn't quit. You know,

383
00:28:08.319 --> 00:28:12.319
this is while we had real businesses already running, while

384
00:28:12.359 --> 00:28:14.920
we had our children in the house, while the clock

385
00:28:15.079 --> 00:28:19.599
just to to well, the bills just kept coming, while

386
00:28:19.960 --> 00:28:23.200
there were a hundred other things that my time could

387
00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:25.880
have gone into and that would have paid out immediately.

388
00:28:28.079 --> 00:28:28.799
And it was tough.

389
00:28:28.839 --> 00:28:32.200
It was really tough, and I had to make a decision,

390
00:28:34.359 --> 00:28:36.200
you know. Me and her sat down and I told her,

391
00:28:36.200 --> 00:28:40.519
I said, listen, I'm betting on myself. I know what

392
00:28:40.559 --> 00:28:44.119
this is, I know what it's going to become. I

393
00:28:44.359 --> 00:28:47.279
just need you to believe in me for a little

394
00:28:47.319 --> 00:28:52.559
bit longer. And thank god, you know, to her credit,

395
00:28:53.039 --> 00:28:58.640
she did. And I'm gonna be honest, I almost didn't

396
00:28:58.680 --> 00:29:02.880
win that bet. There were months when, you know what,

397
00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:05.400
that's constantly in the back of your head, and I

398
00:29:05.440 --> 00:29:09.039
almost walked away. There were nights I sat in front

399
00:29:09.079 --> 00:29:12.039
of a microphone and thought, you know what, maybe she's right,

400
00:29:12.920 --> 00:29:16.240
Maybe this is a total waste of time. Maybe I'm

401
00:29:16.279 --> 00:29:22.440
being completely fricking ridiculous. There were a lot of times

402
00:29:22.440 --> 00:29:24.440
I looked at my own numbers and I was embarrassed.

403
00:29:26.000 --> 00:29:28.400
Times I thought about quitting just to get the peace

404
00:29:28.920 --> 00:29:33.960
back at home, to avoid the fight. Times I wondered

405
00:29:34.000 --> 00:29:37.839
if I was sacrificing real income for some fantasy life.

406
00:29:40.359 --> 00:29:42.440
But you see what got us through it, And sure

407
00:29:42.559 --> 00:29:44.680
wasn't the income from this business. I'll tell you that.

408
00:29:46.400 --> 00:29:51.039
It was the conversation it was the connection. You see.

409
00:29:51.039 --> 00:29:54.880
I finally understood that she wasn't fighting the podcast, she

410
00:29:55.519 --> 00:30:00.599
was fighting the unknown. When I took it personally, she

411
00:30:00.680 --> 00:30:03.759
wasn't trying to crush my dream. She was trying to

412
00:30:03.799 --> 00:30:09.480
protect our family. A huge difference. She wasn't the enemy

413
00:30:09.559 --> 00:30:12.880
of my vision. She was the guardian of everything that

414
00:30:13.119 --> 00:30:18.680
mattered around it. In the moment I stopped defending the

415
00:30:18.759 --> 00:30:25.400
business and started reassuring my wife, well that's when everything shifted.

416
00:30:26.920 --> 00:30:32.640
Two different jobs, two different responses. Defending the business while

417
00:30:32.680 --> 00:30:38.319
that says I'm right about this and you're not, see,

418
00:30:38.319 --> 00:30:41.599
reassuring my wife says I see you and I hear you.

419
00:30:42.119 --> 00:30:44.839
I'm not going anywhere, babe, and we're in this together.

420
00:30:46.319 --> 00:30:46.680
You see.

421
00:30:46.680 --> 00:30:51.000
One of those keeps the fight going, sometimes escalating the fight.

422
00:30:51.400 --> 00:30:57.119
The other one ends it. So here's the moves, and

423
00:30:57.119 --> 00:31:00.400
I'm talking about the actual move. So write them down.

424
00:31:01.559 --> 00:31:02.119
Number one.

425
00:31:03.119 --> 00:31:09.000
Stop defending the business, male or female.

426
00:31:09.039 --> 00:31:10.480
Just start hearing the human.

427
00:31:12.039 --> 00:31:16.519
The next time your spouse pushes back, don't pull out

428
00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:21.319
a mental chart, don't pull out empathy. Say what's the matter,

429
00:31:21.359 --> 00:31:24.119
what's going on? What are you afraid of? And then

430
00:31:24.400 --> 00:31:29.480
just learn to shut your mouth and listen, don't interrupt,

431
00:31:29.480 --> 00:31:36.119
don't correct, don't strategize, Just listen until they're done, and

432
00:31:36.160 --> 00:31:41.400
then say tell me more, two of the most powerful

433
00:31:41.440 --> 00:31:43.839
words in any marriage.

434
00:31:44.759 --> 00:31:48.119
Tell more. Two.

435
00:31:48.960 --> 00:31:53.160
Schedule time that is non negotiable, date night, family dinner,

436
00:31:53.720 --> 00:31:57.839
phone down hours, and put them on the calendar like

437
00:31:57.880 --> 00:32:02.799
they're a billion dollar meets, because the truth is in

438
00:32:02.839 --> 00:32:03.960
your life they are.

439
00:32:06.000 --> 00:32:07.920
And I guess you could hear the test that you

440
00:32:07.920 --> 00:32:10.160
can use this. If you would not.

441
00:32:10.279 --> 00:32:14.880
Cancel six figure client meeting for a phone call, then

442
00:32:14.920 --> 00:32:17.440
you don't get to cancel date night for one either.

443
00:32:18.319 --> 00:32:21.160
If your family time can be moved for the business.

444
00:32:21.480 --> 00:32:24.720
Your family knows what they are to you. You see,

445
00:32:24.960 --> 00:32:26.920
at that point, you don't even have to tell them.

446
00:32:27.240 --> 00:32:33.799
They all ready know. Number three, Bring your spouse back

447
00:32:33.839 --> 00:32:37.319
into the dream, not just the bills, but the vision,

448
00:32:38.000 --> 00:32:41.559
the wins, the losses, the plans. You got to talk

449
00:32:41.599 --> 00:32:45.720
about it like a team, because you are. Even if

450
00:32:45.720 --> 00:32:48.200
they're not the one on the operation side, they're still

451
00:32:48.359 --> 00:32:53.200
on the team. They're the guardians of everything else important.

452
00:32:53.319 --> 00:32:58.279
And teams talk, teams celebrate together, and teams hurt together,

453
00:32:58.359 --> 00:33:03.519
and team teams plan together. If your spouse only hears

454
00:33:03.559 --> 00:33:07.400
about the business. When something's wrong or something's bad, they

455
00:33:07.480 --> 00:33:12.759
start to associate the business with bad news. Start sharing

456
00:33:12.799 --> 00:33:16.319
the good, start sharing some of the wins. Make sure

457
00:33:16.519 --> 00:33:20.599
they know the score, the real one.

458
00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:20.920
Four.

459
00:33:21.880 --> 00:33:25.559
Be honest about money. You see resentment. It is a

460
00:33:25.640 --> 00:33:30.000
fast grower in silence. If you want to kill resentment,

461
00:33:30.160 --> 00:33:32.839
you have to have some transparency because it kills it.

462
00:33:33.920 --> 00:33:37.440
If you're hiding numbers from your spouse because you don't

463
00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:41.079
want them to worry. While you're not protecting them, you're

464
00:33:41.119 --> 00:33:46.000
isolating them, and isolation in a marriage, that's the first

465
00:33:46.079 --> 00:33:51.640
step towards distance. The hardest conversation about money is always

466
00:33:51.720 --> 00:33:55.599
easier than the conversation about the marriage you've lost because

467
00:33:55.599 --> 00:33:56.519
you couldn't.

468
00:33:56.160 --> 00:33:57.359
Have the hard conversation.

469
00:34:00.720 --> 00:34:04.400
Number five, make sure your family gets to feel the

470
00:34:04.440 --> 00:34:07.240
rewards of the business, not just the side effects of

471
00:34:07.279 --> 00:34:12.199
the business. And I think that one is everything. Your

472
00:34:12.280 --> 00:34:15.840
family should have a taste of that success, not just

473
00:34:15.960 --> 00:34:22.559
survive the cost of that success. If everyone around you

474
00:34:23.480 --> 00:34:26.679
is paying the price for your business and no one

475
00:34:26.719 --> 00:34:29.760
around you is enjoying the fruit of your business, then

476
00:34:29.800 --> 00:34:31.320
you don't really have a business.

477
00:34:31.760 --> 00:34:32.280
You have an.

478
00:34:32.239 --> 00:34:38.480
Obsession that the people you love are subsidizing when you

479
00:34:38.599 --> 00:34:42.559
hit a milestone, celebrated together. When you get a win,

480
00:34:42.840 --> 00:34:46.639
bring it home. When the company has a good month,

481
00:34:47.039 --> 00:34:48.559
let the family feel it.

482
00:34:48.639 --> 00:34:50.280
A nice dinner, a weekend.

483
00:34:50.000 --> 00:34:54.679
Away, a day off the phone where your phone actually

484
00:34:54.719 --> 00:34:59.760
stays in the drawer. Because if all your family ever

485
00:35:00.079 --> 00:35:03.159
ease is the cost of the business and they never benefit,

486
00:35:04.039 --> 00:35:07.880
eventually they will quietly start to wish the business would

487
00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:12.039
just go away. And you do not want that day

488
00:35:12.039 --> 00:35:19.440
to come. Now, here's some hard truth. I'm going to

489
00:35:19.519 --> 00:35:22.159
say it to myself as much as I'm saying it

490
00:35:22.199 --> 00:35:30.000
to you. Sometimes your spouse isn't wrong. Sometimes the business

491
00:35:30.039 --> 00:35:37.400
has crossed a line from ambition into addiction. There are

492
00:35:37.639 --> 00:35:41.679
entrepreneurs out there using the company as a hiding place,

493
00:35:43.239 --> 00:35:44.960
you know, the people that they don't want to come home,

494
00:35:45.039 --> 00:35:49.440
because home is where the hard emotional work lives, the

495
00:35:49.480 --> 00:35:52.559
conversations and the conflict, and the kids that need them,

496
00:35:52.639 --> 00:35:58.039
and the marriage that's requiring presence. The version of themselves

497
00:35:58.079 --> 00:36:02.440
that doesn't get paid to play CEO, the version that

498
00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:07.599
actually has to be humble and to apologize, the version

499
00:36:07.639 --> 00:36:09.800
that has to sit on the couch and just be

500
00:36:09.920 --> 00:36:15.559
there without producing anything. And sometimes people have made the

501
00:36:15.599 --> 00:36:20.679
business easier because the business gives them control. The business

502
00:36:20.719 --> 00:36:24.920
gives them metrics. The business gives them a hit of

503
00:36:25.000 --> 00:36:29.280
dopamine every time a deal closes, every time a customer

504
00:36:29.320 --> 00:36:32.320
says yes, every time a number on a screen pops

505
00:36:32.400 --> 00:36:36.639
up to change. You see at work, you're a hero.

506
00:36:37.559 --> 00:36:39.079
At work. You have answers.

507
00:36:39.679 --> 00:36:44.320
At work, people defer to you. At work, the rules

508
00:36:44.360 --> 00:36:49.400
are clear and the winds seem measurable. You see at home,

509
00:36:50.039 --> 00:36:53.599
you're just a person. And the people.

510
00:36:53.400 --> 00:36:54.880
Closest to you that you love know.

511
00:36:54.840 --> 00:37:00.320
Your flaws, okay, And you might have flaws with a

512
00:37:00.440 --> 00:37:04.519
tired wife with kids who don't care how much you

513
00:37:05.159 --> 00:37:10.360
close last quarter, with a relationship that requires effort and

514
00:37:10.360 --> 00:37:15.199
no spreadsheet that you can track with. And those people

515
00:37:15.239 --> 00:37:19.159
bury themselves in the place where they feel powerful, and

516
00:37:19.280 --> 00:37:24.280
they call it grinding or providing or whatever, leveling up.

517
00:37:25.760 --> 00:37:31.159
But behind closed doors, the people they love now they

518
00:37:31.199 --> 00:37:32.719
feel like they're living with a ghost.

519
00:37:34.400 --> 00:37:36.119
Now. I'm not pointing fingers.

520
00:37:36.159 --> 00:37:39.599
I've had times in my business where I ask myself

521
00:37:39.599 --> 00:37:43.239
this question. Seasons where I've had to look in the

522
00:37:43.239 --> 00:37:45.440
mirror and be honest with what I saw.

523
00:37:45.480 --> 00:37:46.440
When I didn't like it.

524
00:37:47.360 --> 00:37:50.800
You know questions like am I working this hard because

525
00:37:50.840 --> 00:37:53.480
the business needs me to? Or am I working this

526
00:37:53.559 --> 00:37:56.599
hard because I don't want to deal with what's waiting

527
00:37:56.639 --> 00:38:01.320
for me at home? You see, that's an optim entrepreneur question,

528
00:38:01.639 --> 00:38:05.199
and it's one of those that is not comfortable. You see,

529
00:38:05.280 --> 00:38:08.960
ego disguised as ambition is one of the most dangerous

530
00:38:09.000 --> 00:38:14.039
things in entrepreneurship in general. The thing is nobody calls

531
00:38:14.039 --> 00:38:17.360
you out on it. Everyone sits there and applauds you

532
00:38:17.440 --> 00:38:22.159
for it. Your network celebrates it, your social media rewards it.

533
00:38:22.840 --> 00:38:25.400
Other entrepreneurs you know not and tell you I'll just

534
00:38:25.519 --> 00:38:26.199
keep grinding.

535
00:38:26.280 --> 00:38:26.599
Man.

536
00:38:27.679 --> 00:38:31.199
The world tells you that you're a hero for what's

537
00:38:31.320 --> 00:38:37.960
quietly destroying you. You see, validation addiction is a real thing,

538
00:38:39.519 --> 00:38:42.920
and what happens is the chase becomes the drug, and

539
00:38:43.079 --> 00:38:46.920
like any drug, it asks for more next week than

540
00:38:46.920 --> 00:38:50.280
it did for last week. So you don't stop at

541
00:38:50.320 --> 00:38:53.679
the gold. You move the goal. You're always moving the goal.

542
00:38:55.039 --> 00:38:58.000
One hundred thousand okay, Well, now a million okay?

543
00:38:58.039 --> 00:39:02.239
Well then now five million okay, then million, then well

544
00:39:02.280 --> 00:39:06.000
I've done everything here a different industry, then a second business,

545
00:39:06.000 --> 00:39:09.039
then a third, then a brand, then an empire. Each

546
00:39:09.320 --> 00:39:11.840
milestone you said, well, that was going to be enough.

547
00:39:13.159 --> 00:39:17.039
It never is because it was never about the milestone.

548
00:39:17.159 --> 00:39:21.280
It was about the feeling that you get while doing it,

549
00:39:21.880 --> 00:39:26.119
and the feeling that you get when you stop. And

550
00:39:26.239 --> 00:39:29.119
one day you look up and the business is the

551
00:39:29.159 --> 00:39:32.360
size that you thought you always wanted, and the people

552
00:39:32.400 --> 00:39:35.639
that you wanted to share it with aren't there anymore.

553
00:39:37.599 --> 00:39:39.079
Some of them physically left.

554
00:39:40.320 --> 00:39:42.559
Some of them are still in the house, but they

555
00:39:42.639 --> 00:39:46.519
checked out emotionally a long time ago. Their roommates now

556
00:39:46.559 --> 00:39:51.639
polite and functional and coexisting, but the marriage is over.

557
00:39:53.239 --> 00:39:56.960
Nobody filed the paperwork yet. You see, the kids grew

558
00:39:57.039 --> 00:40:00.840
up when you weren't looking. They have a lot of

559
00:40:00.880 --> 00:40:03.239
those memories that they carry on as an adult that

560
00:40:03.360 --> 00:40:08.159
don't have you included. They have a lot of stories

561
00:40:08.159 --> 00:40:10.679
in their childhood where dad was just busy. Oh they

562
00:40:10.719 --> 00:40:14.599
love you, but they don't really know you. Not you,

563
00:40:17.239 --> 00:40:20.119
and that's a different relationship than the one you thought

564
00:40:20.519 --> 00:40:24.639
that you were building when you started your business. Now,

565
00:40:24.719 --> 00:40:29.079
don't let yourself be that entrepreneur. The win isn't a

566
00:40:29.119 --> 00:40:32.159
win if you're celebrating it alone in a big, empty

567
00:40:32.199 --> 00:40:34.920
house with a full bank account.

568
00:40:35.960 --> 00:40:38.639
I'm going to tell you something. Success that cost you

569
00:40:38.719 --> 00:40:43.280
the people you love is not success. You know what

570
00:40:43.320 --> 00:40:43.679
that is.

571
00:40:43.719 --> 00:40:50.000
It's a really expensive failure. And I promise you this,

572
00:40:50.360 --> 00:40:52.880
if you make those mistakes, you will have the rest

573
00:40:52.920 --> 00:40:54.360
of your life to think about it.

574
00:40:56.519 --> 00:40:58.280
Now, in closing, let me leave you with this.

575
00:41:00.360 --> 00:41:04.639
A business can be rebuilt, a bank account can be rebuilt.

576
00:41:06.119 --> 00:41:13.239
A marriage sometimes can be rebuilt. But missed years, missed

577
00:41:13.280 --> 00:41:17.800
years with your kids, missed life moments with your spouse,

578
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:23.480
missed evenings that turned into missed years, which turned into

579
00:41:23.519 --> 00:41:27.519
missed decades, you never get those back.

580
00:41:27.760 --> 00:41:29.360
They just don't come back.

581
00:41:30.440 --> 00:41:34.440
Not for any amount of money, not for any contract,

582
00:41:34.519 --> 00:41:39.960
not for any level of success. You can always earn

583
00:41:40.039 --> 00:41:45.840
back money, you cannot earn back the years. You can

584
00:41:45.880 --> 00:41:48.199
rebuild a company from zero, I built many of them.

585
00:41:49.679 --> 00:41:52.639
You cannot rebuild a childhood that you weren't around for.

586
00:41:54.639 --> 00:41:58.519
So you can recover a brand, but you cannot recover

587
00:41:58.599 --> 00:42:01.000
a marriage that ran out of pace since three years

588
00:42:01.000 --> 00:42:06.760
before you even noticed. And every single decision you make

589
00:42:06.800 --> 00:42:10.400
as a business owner touches the people who live in

590
00:42:10.440 --> 00:42:14.800
your home, every single one. The hours you work and

591
00:42:14.840 --> 00:42:16.880
the trips you take, and the risks.

592
00:42:16.480 --> 00:42:17.400
That you accept.

593
00:42:18.280 --> 00:42:21.519
The stress that you carry with you home, the phone

594
00:42:21.519 --> 00:42:24.159
you can't put down, the energy that you have left

595
00:42:24.199 --> 00:42:27.519
at the end of the day, the tone of the

596
00:42:27.639 --> 00:42:30.960
voice you use at the dinner table after a hard call,

597
00:42:31.960 --> 00:42:34.679
the patience you have or don't have when your kids

598
00:42:34.960 --> 00:42:36.159
want to show you something.

599
00:42:37.760 --> 00:42:39.800
Every single decision.

600
00:42:42.280 --> 00:42:47.920
The optimized entrepreneur doesn't make decisions in isolation. The optimized

601
00:42:48.079 --> 00:42:51.920
entrepreneur factors and the people that they love every single time.

602
00:42:53.320 --> 00:42:56.079
Not because the family should be running the business. They shouldn't,

603
00:42:56.880 --> 00:42:59.880
but because the family is the reason for the business.

604
00:43:01.119 --> 00:43:04.440
And if the reason becomes a casualty of the operation,

605
00:43:04.960 --> 00:43:12.679
then what the hell exactly are you building? If you're

606
00:43:12.760 --> 00:43:16.039
listening to this and something inside of you has been

607
00:43:16.119 --> 00:43:20.840
quietly nodding this whole time, don't wait until the silence

608
00:43:20.880 --> 00:43:27.239
at home becomes permanent. Have a conversation tonight, not tomorrow,

609
00:43:27.360 --> 00:43:29.960
not after the next launch, not when things slow down,

610
00:43:30.320 --> 00:43:35.840
because things don't ever slow down. The thing with business

611
00:43:35.960 --> 00:43:39.320
is it's perpetually moving. You have to slow it down.

612
00:43:39.800 --> 00:43:44.840
You have to choose to slow it down. The business

613
00:43:44.880 --> 00:43:49.719
will never give you permission. You have to give yourself permission.

614
00:43:50.000 --> 00:43:54.239
And I'm talking about tonight, Sit down with your spouse,

615
00:43:55.079 --> 00:43:59.320
put your throne somewhere else, look them in the eye

616
00:43:59.360 --> 00:44:05.800
and ask them question, how are you really doing with

617
00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:13.559
all of this? And then just listen. Don't fix, don't defend,

618
00:44:13.880 --> 00:44:15.800
don't pitch, don't promise.

619
00:44:16.800 --> 00:44:17.320
Just listen.

620
00:44:18.840 --> 00:44:22.360
You might be really surprised what comes out. You might

621
00:44:22.400 --> 00:44:25.800
be heartbroken, you might be relieved. You might be.

622
00:44:25.840 --> 00:44:27.159
Both all at the same time.

623
00:44:28.760 --> 00:44:31.840
But whatever happens, you'll be closer than you were an

624
00:44:31.880 --> 00:44:35.760
hour ago. You'll have done the one thing that most

625
00:44:35.920 --> 00:44:41.480
entrepreneurs will never do. You'll have stopped running long enough

626
00:44:41.519 --> 00:44:47.840
to actually be present. Because the optimized entrepreneur isn't just

627
00:44:48.000 --> 00:44:53.320
building a business. The optimized entrepreneur is building a life

628
00:44:53.360 --> 00:44:54.320
that is worth.

629
00:44:54.679 --> 00:44:56.519
Coming home to and living.

630
00:44:57.920 --> 00:45:00.920
And the people who agreed to walk down road with you,

631
00:45:01.320 --> 00:45:04.400
they didn't sign up to be casualties of your dream.

632
00:45:04.719 --> 00:45:10.000
They signed up to be the reasons for it. Don't

633
00:45:10.079 --> 00:45:14.199
let the business become the thing that takes them from you.

634
00:45:15.400 --> 00:45:18.119
Let the business become the thing that proves to them

635
00:45:18.280 --> 00:45:25.199
every single day that they were never second place. That's optimization.

636
00:45:26.159 --> 00:45:30.880
That's the real work, and that's the real win. I'm

637
00:45:30.920 --> 00:45:36.280
Jeremy Hanson. This has been optimized entrepreneur. Now, if this

638
00:45:37.199 --> 00:45:41.119
episode moved, you, share it with someone who needs to

639
00:45:41.159 --> 00:45:44.960
hear this. There's an entrepreneur out there right now, or

640
00:45:45.000 --> 00:45:49.039
a spouse of an entrepreneur who needs to hear just

641
00:45:49.119 --> 00:45:52.480
these words. Send it to them, even if it's weird,

642
00:45:52.559 --> 00:45:55.320
or if it feels awkward, even if you don't know

643
00:45:55.440 --> 00:46:00.519
how they'll take it. Some conversations only start because somebody

644
00:46:00.599 --> 00:46:06.360
else has the courage to drop the first link. All right,

645
00:46:06.559 --> 00:46:10.679
find more at www dot optimized number one dot com.

646
00:46:10.679 --> 00:46:14.519
That's optimized one dot com. I'll see you next week

647
00:46:14.760 --> 00:46:15.920
and stay optimized.

648
00:46:17.639 --> 00:46:19.840
Thank you for the listeners.

649
00:46:22.039 --> 00:46:29.400
Sue the Optimized Trinter podcast.

650
00:46:29.440 --> 00:46:41.679
Sign up so you don't optimized one dot com optimized

651
00:46:42.079 --> 00:46:57.440
one dot com